


My R

by nerdy_as_heck



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Crying, How Do I Tag, My First AO3 Post, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-07-05 12:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15863547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdy_as_heck/pseuds/nerdy_as_heck
Summary: And like that, there was someone every day. Virgil listened to their tale, he made them turn away. And yet there was no one who would do this for him. No way he could let out all this pain





	1. My R - Roman

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely based on the song "My R". English translated lyrics are bolded, with minor changes to better fit the characters. I also posted this on my tumblr, @nerdy-as-heck, which I am much more familiar with using!

It had been a really, really… _really_ long day. So many mistakes, so many things gone wrong, so may reasons why _I’m such an idiot, why do I even try_. I walk through the quietest part of town. The cool breeze blows past me, making me retreat further into my purple-plaid jacket. _Why did you even wear this thing? It looks ridiculous, you shouldn’t have even gotten it in the first place_. Step by step, slowly through the darkness until I finally reach my apartment complex. I barely trudge my way into the building, glancing at my phone for only a second before heading into the elevator. For a moment, I hesitate. My finger hovers over the button to take me to the floor for my room. Slowly, I drift it up until it is over the number for the very top floor. I push the button.

Once the elevator opens, it is only a short walk to the stairs that take me onto the roof. I walk forward, stopping at the edge. The world seems so peaceful from this far up. Almost no noise, the lights just tiny specs, the movement of cars insignificant against the vast horizon. For once, I feel a sense of calm rush over me. I haven’t been so relaxed, so… _worry-free_ in years. A tear comes into my eye and I wipe it away before it can ruin my eyeshadow. _Is…is this what it will feel like?_ I want this feeling to last forever. Even if it doesn’t, it has to be better than my life now…right?

**Just as I was about to take my shoes off, on the rooftop there I see a boy with styled hair here before me. Despite myself I go and scream:**

**“Hey, don’t do it please.”**

The boy slowly turned around. He looked so young, though maybe it was partly because he was dressed in a prince costume. Was it getting close to Halloween or something? I don’t remember. It was all too easy for me to see tears in his eyes. A few dripped down onto the paper crown he held it his hands, clutching it like it was his lifeline. He may have looked young, but his voice and height showed that he had to have been in high school at least.

“Are…are you talking to me?” he asked. He voice shook slightly and it was obvious that he was not someone who usually talked that quiet.

 **Whoa. Wait a minute. What did I just say?** I thought I had said that in my head. I didn’t want to get involved. **I couldn’t care less either way.** It’s not my problem to deal with. **To be honest I was somewhat pissed. This was an opportunity missed.** A perfect night. And now…

“Uh, yeah, I am.” Great. That wasn’t awkward at all. “Do you want to talk or something?”

The boy backed away from the edge and I followed, sitting down beside him a few feet away from the ledge. It was all quiet for a few seconds, just us listening to the sounds of the city, when he began to talk.

 **The boy with styled hair told me his woes.** He seemed really upset, but honestly it wasn’t all that special. **You’ve probably heard it all before.**

“There was this guy in my class. We were the best of friends for all of elementary and middle school. We were absolutely inseparable, the dashing duo that no one could ever defeat!” He smiled a bit at that part and posed like he was in a photoshoot. _Jeez, what a dramatic kid._  “When we starting dating at the end of middle school, it was really great. So many wonderful memories together, even despite the arguments. We worked so well together. **I really thought that he might be the one.** ” His smile faltered a bit. “Senior year rolled around, though, and we got into a tremendous argument. I thought we had fixed it and moved on, **but then he told me he was done**. Just…out of nowhere. Over text. I haven’t heard from him in weeks, no explanations or anything. He’s just…gone.”

It took everything in my power not to scream at this kid. I mean, really, **for gosh sake, please! Are you serious?** Heartbroken over some stupid guy? Is that really the worst thing going on in your life right now? **I just can’t believe that for some stupid reason you got here before me.** I have thousands more reasons to be here instead of you! You should be out living your life, not sitting here wondering if one heartbreak is worth ending your life over. **Are you upset cause you can’t have what you wanted?**

Desperately, I try to fish for something to say that won’t make matters worse. “Don’t you have someone or something else in your life that makes you happy?”

The boy looked down at the ground. “Well…I do love singing. And theatre. Sometimes those can make things better. My dream is to work on Broadway someday. I actually just got out of the final night of my role in Into the Woods.”

Of course this dramatic kid would be a complete theatre geek. I should have known. “Well, I guess that explains the whole prince costume.” He laughs a bit at that, clearly embarrassed. “But anyway, if you really like it, then you should do that. Just throw yourself into it. And hey, I bet that guy didn’t deserve you anyway.” What is this kid just sitting here for? If he’s so talented, he can just do that! So what if you can’t always have what you want? **You’re lucky that you’ve never gotten robbed of anything**. The only things you’ve lost are things you didn’t need in the first place.

“ **I’m feeling better. Thank you for listening**.” The boy slowly stood up, drying the tears from his eyes. He picked up the paper crown off the ground, stuck it on his head, and smiled at me. **The boy with styled hair then disappeared** , leaving down the stairs. I waited for a few minutes before following. It’s been a long day…maybe I should just get some sleep.


	2. My R - Logan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// For this chapter specifically in addition to the others include an eating disorder, though its not major. Stay safe.

**Alright, today’s the day! Or so I thought**

**Just as I took both of my shoes off**

**There was but a boy short as can be** standing near the edge. He stood motionless as he looked straight forward with his hands behind his back. Looking out at the skyline. It's hard to believe he didn’t hear me walking up behind him. He looked almost familiar, in that all black outfit. Almost like a businessman or one of my old teachers. Wait...is that?... **Despite myself I go and scream** :

“Logan??”

The boy in front of me flinched and quickly turned around where I could see the blue tie around his neck. Yep. That’s him. “Oh, um...Virgil. I didn’t expect you to be home from your lab so early.” Logan fidgeted with his hands and moved his eyes all around, anywhere but towards me.

“Logan, you know my professor likes to let us out early.” I took a step towards him and his shoulders tightened, but he stayed silent. “He does it almost every single week.”

“You’re absolutely right, it was a mistake on my part. Let’s go back inside, shall we?” He tried to rush past me, but I turned and grabbed the front of his arm. He tenses, but makes no move to pull away.

“Dude. Don’t change the subject. What’s going on?” After a few awkward moments of silence, Logan sighed and the tension of his arm slumped in surrender. Even more silence. “Look, dude, I mean, I know we’re roommates and not close friends or anything, but… You know.” I sighed and let go of him, surprised he didn’t move away. “You know you can talk to me or someone else, right?”

Logan ran a hand through his hair. It was then that **the petite boy told me his woes**. Not that it was anything particularly unique of course. **You’ve probably heard it all before**. The same sob story that everyone has to deal with.

“It’s just…” Logan buried his face in his hands, taking time to think. “Why am I even in college, Virgil? I thought that things would be different, that somehow my ‘nerdiness’ would be more accepted. But even here… **Everyone ignores me, everyone steals** my homework and my projects…” He rested his hands on his hips, once again looking out the the skyline. “Let’s face it, V. **I don’t fit it with anyone here**.”

All I could do was just blink at him. Really? /The/ Logan Sanders doesn’t fit in. **For god’s sakes, please. Are you serious?** You graduated top of our class! You got a full ride scholarship! I’ve been working a full time job and I /still/ won’t be able to afford this semester’s loan payments. **I just can’t believe that for some stupid reason you got here before me…**

Logan broke my train of thought with his next sentence. “And… I… I haven’t eaten, Virgil. Its… It’s starting to hurt.” What?? Since when??

It’s all I can do not to grit my teeth as I try to offer him a smile. “What, is my cooking really that bad?” Of course it is, gosh you’re such an idiot, you’re part of why he’s like this, you should just-

My train of thought was cut off by Logan’s panicked stuttering. “Nonono its not that at all! You’re cooking is more than sufficient, it’s fantastic even, it’s just…” He sighed and combed his hand through his hair, taking time to find the right way to say it. “I know that my weight is not exactly...ideal for someone of my age and height. I figured that this would be the quickest way to fix the problem.” His breath sped up as he stared at the ground again. Oh. Oh.

“How long?”

“Less than a week.” I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Okay, look dude.” I pushed down my anger and grabbed Logan’s shoulder. “There is /nothing/ wrong with your weight. I don’t know who told you that, but they’re lying, okay? Besides. It doesn’t matter if everyone in this whole school hates you, which is untrue. Because even so, **you’re still loved by everyone at home**. Me and Dee both really care about you.” Well… Dee does anyway. As for me… I used to, at least. “And not eating isn’t gonna fix the problem anyway. Just remember, **there’s always dinner waiting at the table, you know**?”

Somehow, all that garbage I made up seemed to relieve Logan’s worries as he smiled. “I… Thank you, Virgil.” He sighed one last time, shoving his hands in his pockets. **“I’m hungry…” said the boy as he shed a tear.**

I put on the best fake smile I could come up with. Luckily, it seemed to be convincing. “Then let’s go have dinner, yeah?” Logan nodded and walked to the staircase. **The boy short as can be then disappeared** , while I was left standing behind. No one was here. It would be so easy. But Logan was expecting dinner. And we all knew Dee couldn’t cook. Guess it’s going to have to wait.


	3. My R - Patton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say things get... Way more intense

**For the very first time there I see someone with the same pains as me**.

Patton. My best friend since elementary school. We kind of lucked out, ending up at the same college with the same major. We’ve always been there for each other, a comfort in times of need. That is, before we kind of grew distant. We didn’t have the same classes and we don’t see each other as much, but we still talk occasionally. He used to get so stressed out in high school, but in college he kind of mellowed out. He has a new group of friends, new places to hang out at, no time for me anymore his best friend. What is he doing here?

Why is he standing so close to the edge?

 **Having done this time and time again** , I walked up behind him and rested my hand on his shoulder. He was startled, but turned around and pushed me away where I could see the tears in his eyes. **He wore a grey cardigan** , his favorite one that he always had, and tugged at the sleeves. I was kind of surprised he didn’t have it around his shoulders, but then again it was cold out. Cold, but not that cold. Should have know better.

“Virgil? What are you doing here?” He glanced around nervously. Looking for a way out.

I tried to grab his arm to pull him away from the ledge, but he yanked it back. “I could ask you the same thing. What’s going on? Are you...” I couldn’t finish my sentence.

His shaking breath was the only noise between us for a few minutes. He kept glancing between me and the ground 20 stories below us. Finally, he moved his arm to pull up the sleeves of his cardigan. Red lines, covering both of them, some fresh and healing, some old and hard. Now I was the one crying. I pulled him into a hug.

“ **I just wanna stop the scars that grow every time that I go home**.” I could feel his tears dripping onto my jacket. “ **That is why I came up here instead**.” **That’s what the boy in the cardigan said** , but I could hardly believe him. He was my best friend for so long. Why didn’t he say something earlier?

“How could you?”

Patton looked up at me quizzically with the worst pain in his eyes I've ever seen. I must have said something wrong. **Whoa, wait a minute. What did I just say?** I should be more worried for him than this. But...something in me just broke. All of a sudden, **I couldn’t care less either way.** He used to be my best friend. We hardly know each other anymore. Patton just stared at me, searching my eyes for something I couldn’t give him. I didn’t know what to do. **But in the moment I just screamed something that I did not believe:**

**“Hey, don’t do it please.”**

Patton stepped away from me and glanced back to the ledge. I tried to step towards him again, but he moved back. One step closer to falling. Tears came down his face slower now. Patton looked everywhere around us. Avoiding eye contact. _your fault_ He...he didn’t believe me.

**_Oh, what to do?_ ** _I can’t just stand here. I have to do something._ _**I can’t stop this one. Oh, this is new.** _ _How am I supposed to comfort him? How can I help someone else with this kind of stuff when I can’t even help myself? It’s been fine before, but..._ _**for once I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.** _ _Why should I even try? It’s not worth it._

“Virgil, I almost...” Patton looked straight down at the ground in front of him. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I need someone to help me get through this. I...I need you.”

Anger bubbled up inside me like I’d never felt before. “Oh, right, you “need” me? **But even so,** you just abandoned me once you found better friends.” The tears coming out of my eyes were so intense that I couldn’t see. Not that I would have been able to look him in the eyes anymore anyway.

“Virgil, that’s not-” Patton tried stepping towards me, but it was my turn to move back.

“Do you have any idea the kind of suffering I’ve been through, barely having any friends for the past 4 years? Struggling to keep my grades above water? And yet you’re trying to tell me that you’re the one who’s upset? That _you_ , Mr. Popular, need _my_ help?”

Patton kept quiet this time, but the pleading in his eyes grew stronger every second. begging me to stop. “I have an idea. How about you **please just go away so I can’t see** you anymore? Would that make you happy? Because _of course_ I need to help _you_ be happy. **Your pitiful expression is just too much for me.** ”

My breaths came heavier with each passing second. I don’t remember falling to my knees like this. I barely managed to look up at Patton to see rivers of tears running down his face. It doesn’t look like he’s breathing much at all. I tried to come up with something to say, something to fix this, because _oh my gosh what did I just do, please i’m so sorry Patton I didn’tmeanitididn’t-_

Slowly, Patton took a few steps closer to me. When I saw his feet in front of me, I looked up to see that he had taken his cardigan off and was offering it to me. I tried to stand, but failed. Patton patiently waited until I took the cardigan from him and was able to get up. I tried to say something to him, but the words caught sharply in my throat.

“I want you to keep it.” Patton looked at me with a smile that did not reach his eyes. “Just as a reminder. Because I really do care about you, Virgil. I always have. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me.”

I clutched the piece of fabric in my hands harder than before. “Pat-”

“Don’t worry about me, Virgil.” Patton’s smile never faltered as he wiped away the tears. “ **I guess today is just not my day.** ” **He looked away from me and then** , before I could rush to him, **he disappeared** over the edge.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is my precious baby that I wasn't sure if I ever really wanted to share because I loved it too much. I already have the 3rd chapter written, it's only a matter of getting the 2nd one done before I can update. :) Have a nice day


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